Dear The Netherlands,

I love your country. Anytime I think about windmills, The Netherlands is the first thing that springs to mind. (And sometimes when I think about dikes.)

Have you ever stopped to consider about what a strange name your country has? The Nether-lands. It sounds like a place you’d go to burn tires or dump bodies.

“Headin’ out to the Nether-lands to get rid of Grandma.”

Everyone warns you against going to the Netherlands, because of “the smell” and, it’s “not safe” and, “there was a boy who got eaten there.” Are those just urban legends? Doesn’t matter, you’ve got a body to dump.

And when you get to the Netherlands, the sky becomes dark and foreboding and smells like molten fear, and you’re like, “Is this even worth it?”

Sorry, I guess we’re talking about New Jersey now.

Love,
Will