Letters to the World – NEW FORMAT
Well friends, it’s been three straight of months of Letters to the World in its current iteration. Now it’s time for a remix.
For the months of September-November, Letters to the World will showcase a different current events item each day. These items might be BIG news (like when space shuttles blow up) or smaller stories (like the World Mountain Bike Bog Snorkeling Championships).
Regardless, just strap on your britches and accept the awesomeness.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 71 – Angry Birds West Hollywood
ANGRY BIRDS WEST HOLLYWOOD:
On August 2, 2011, West Hollywood Police responded to a neighborhood complaint of “angry birds” at the corner of Vista Grande and Hilldale.
Upset their friends were imprisoned by several local pigs, these angry birds were led by a small red robin. Launching themselves from a giant slingshot, the birds repeatedly rammed themselves into local structures in an effort to free their friends.
When this proved ineffective, several triangular canaries were called in. Bluebirds were next, but when they struck three local homes at the same time, residents became concerned and called police.
Later in the evening, several birds miraculously converted themselves into bombs, while chickens laid eggs above the pig pens. These proved devastating to the pigs, and it was only toward the later stages of the evening that their structures crumbled from the assault.
PICTURED: Local resident Gregory Michael’s car was the unwitting victim beneath the birds ‘ slingshot.
Letters to the World – Day 70 – TINY SAFARI
TINY SAFARI – Now with four tours daily!
TINY SAFARI was the first safari tour program designed for the special needs of midgets. Ahem, little people.
RIDE in one of our non-spacious trucks and peer out the khaki cloth exterior to see the world’s most elusive wildlife.
CLIMB on top of the truck bed and peer through your tiny binoculars toward the distant horizon.
WATCH in awe of the magnificent flora and fauna. From up here, you’ll stand three times higher than normal. What a view!
TINY SAFARI complies with all safety regulations, including tiny life vests, tiny seat belts and tiny handrails.
Special rates for dwarves, pygmies and Lilliputians.
Call TINY SAFARI today at 1-800-LIONBAIT!
Letters to the World – Day 69 – Dear Girls
Dear Girls,
To the tune of Sharp Dressed Man:
Jesus hair, old shoes
And I don’t know where I am goin’ to
Large shirt, tucked high
I don’t even need a reason why
They come runnin’ just as fast as they can
Coz’ every girl’s crazy ’bout a strip mall man
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 68 – Dear Jews
Dear Jews,
I get it. You’re God’s “chosen people.” That’s a big deal. You’re a big deal.
But do you really need your own special M&Ms?
And why does your M&Ms character look like a reject from local playhouse auditions for West Side Story? If that isn’t a Puerto Rican M&M snapping his fingers to America then I’ve lost all credibility.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 67 – Dear Hoover Dam Visitors
Dear Visitors,
Come visit the world famous HOOVER DAM, where all the exhibits overlook not mountains, not rivers, and certainly not the dam. All exhibits overlook RESTROOMS!
We know why you’re here: to watch other people urinate. That’s been the tradition at the Hoover Dam for over 75 years – how else do you think the workers relieved themselves hanging off of a mountain for an 8-hour shift?
Eat your heart out Grand Canyon Skywalk.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 66 – Nerd Theater
Dear Community,
NERD THEATER proudly presents: AN EVENING OF OPERA
Join us for an unforgettable evening of nerds, dorks and dweebs as they tackle some of opera’s most challenging roles .
Mathematician Peter Lubowitz sings La Traviata. Which in Italian means, “Stop staring at my nose.”
Engineer Patty Horson follows with a beautiful version of Voi Che Sapete. Which means, “I wear black because it’s slimming.”
This is a strict, guest list only event. All guests wearing varsity jackets, mouthguards or shorts past the knee will be turned away at the door.
Tickets on sale at the Math Club meeting, 4PM Tuesday.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 65 – WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT
Dear Community,
WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT
Mr. and Mrs. James Sparrow announce the engagement of their son, JACK, to fellow pirate CRAGGY McCRAGTHORNE.
Jack is a career pirate with the Black Pearl, where he has successfully plundered over forty ships and countless lasses. His captaining skills have earned him recognition worldwide and the ire of the British Crown.
Craggy is a deckhand who recently graduated from Pirate Academy following two years as Blackbeard’s personal assistant. Jack lovingly refers to Craggy as his “Caribbean Queen.” With their engagement confirmed, Jack also offered, “Now we’re sharing the same dreams. And our hearts they beat as one. No more love on the run. ”
Jack and Craggy will marry next fall in the heart of a secret cove deep in the Caribbean. No date has been set.
Also, this is the first gay marriage in history.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 64 – SORRY, WE’RE OPEN
Dear Patrons,
SORRY WE’RE OPEN.
Which means that two of the people in your party will be disappointed. They don’t want to eat here, and they assumed we were closed between lunch and dinner.
When you asked if they would eat at our restaurant, they politely said, “Let’s check if they’re open.” Now it’s do or die time. Will they step it up and say they want to eat somewhere else, or suffer through linner?
Make ‘em suffer. Who cares if we’re not healthy enough for the rail thin Asian that only tags along because she’s dating your friend Tim? Who cares if we’re not fancy enough for the trust fund brat that pretends he’s self made because he made some “investments” all by his wittle self? They can invest in a warm plate of shut the hell up. It’s gluten and dairy free.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 62 – That’s What She Said
THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID:
“Pardon me, madame. Have you seen my decade?”
“Of course they had digital cameras in the 1800s.”
“Excuse me, pardon me, there is a lady coming through.”
“This time machine has deposited me in the most unsavory of decades.”
“Those Old Time Photos aren’t anywhere near as authentic with diabetic women in the background.”
“Yes, I’m a woman. Yes, I’m straight. And yes, I’m staring at your breasts.”
Love,
Will
