Letters to the World – Day 61 – SIG ALERT
SIG ALERT (Note, a Sig Alert is a traffic alert in CA)
A 100-car traffic jam was spotted at Disneyland this evening, sending drivers reeling as they waited for almost one hour for the mess to clear.
Officers responded to a DUI call at 7:30 P.M. near the entrance to Autotopia. They found Miguel Vega, 6, of Alhambra, CA, behind the wheel of an open-top DeLorean, polishing off the back end of a Sprite.
Miguel refused to move his vehicle, citing an unfulfilled request for “a frackin’ churro!” His mother could not provide said Churro without leaving the ride. Cars are not allowed to be left unattended. Officers called it a “Classic catch-22. Classic.”
After the stand-off, Miguel was recused to the custody of his father. Sadly, the scene repeated itself in Winnie the Pooh thirty minutes later.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 60 – Dear San Francisco
Dear San Francisco,
I’d like to take a moment to apologize. When I was younger I visited your fine city. This came on the heels of seeing two gay men in Philadelphia for the first time.
My parents, bastions of acceptance that they are, told me these men were gay and they loved each other like my mommy and daddy do.
They also threw in that many of these gay men lived where we were going on vacation: San Francisco.
So forgive me for hearing that we would be seeing the “Golden Gate” bridge, and calling it the “Golden Gay” bridge. For seven years.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 59 – HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE EATING RED MEAT
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE EATING RED MEAT
Sometimes when you are eating ‘red’ meat, it doesn’t look, well, red. Usually, red meat is either RED before you cook it, or BROWN after you cook it. I’d call it GREY, but let’s be real, eating grey food sounds like something they do in third world countries.
REMIX: You can ‘brown’ turkey meat, but that doesn’t make it red. It can go both ways, like that man-lady that stands at Santa Monica and Robertson on Thursday nights flipping her hair and winking at everyone. She looks like she has eye Tourette’s.
PRO TIP: Duck and Goose also count as red meat, although duck is brown and goose is well…
LITMUS TEST: The litmus test for red meat is whether or not a trucker in Alabama would eat it. Let’s go out on a limb here and posit that Mack the trucker ain’t ordering goose off the menu of the Birmingham Flying J.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 57 – PSA FOR CHILDREN
IMPORTANT PSA FOR CHILDREN
Gun safety begins with YOU. Here at the Anti Children-n’-Guns Society we have a simple message:
Don’t shoot yourself in the foot.
But this can mean different things, so we’ll translate:
When your parents say this what they mean is, “We work too hard in unhappy jobs with a miserable middle-aged boss named Tad to watch you piss away our money.”
When we say it what we mean is, “Don’t take a gun, point it onto your stylish open-toe shoe and look like a damn Plaxico Burress.”
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 56 – Dear Furniture Manufacturer Part Two
Dear Furniture Manufacturer,
I knew it. Damn you.
+Will
Letters to the World – Day 56 – Dear Furniture Manufacturer, Part Two
Dear Furniture Manufacturer,
I knew it. Damn you.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 55 – Dear Furniture Manufacturer
Dear Furniture Manufacturer,
Thanks for the great price on my new bed. Let me take the pieces out, lay them on my floor and take a look at the instruction manual here-
What the hell is this? You honestly expect non-carpenters to be able to figure this out? Even Jesus would be like, “WTF?”
I’m not going to regret this, will I?
Will I…?
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 54 – Dear Mullet Boy
Dear Mullet Boy,
Why?
Just…why?
Are you really going to tell me that NO ONE in your family or circle of friends has mentioned that your mullet looks like one of the creatures from Alien? Because that’s what they think. They are on guard in case Sigourney Weaver pops out of a corner and starts shooting at your head to kill that epic monstrosity.
How do you even request a haircut like that? If I walked into my Supercuts and asked Enrique for a “Faux-hawk up top. Trim the sides. Curl the back. Dye my tentacles an unnatural shade of brown. And point the sideburns,” he’d stage a gay intervention and give me a fade cut free of charge.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 53 – Dear ‘Sluts’
Dear Sluts,
Now I have a problem. I took this funny photo that says ‘SLUTWALK, THIS WAY’ with a large arrow pointing toward, I don’t know, sluts.
Then I find out this is a social movement. Also the photo was overexposed. Kind of like most of you. Heh. Sorry… no more jokes. This is serious.
Look, I don’t want you being sluts just for the slut of it. Or because you have low self-esteem. But yeah, if you dress like a slut that does not mean you are culpable for being raped.
There you go.
Love,
Will
