Letters to the World – Day 121 – Dear Hulu
Dear Hulu,
Why is it that your ads always run in perfect full-screen high definition, but the TV shows look like they were produced in 1986?
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 120 – Dear Pirates
Dear Pirates,
If I walked up to someone on the street today and asked them to be my first mate and share my booty, I would get slapped. In your day, that was a huge opportunity.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 119 – Dear Peyton Manning
Dear Peyton Manning,
So you’re stuck on the sidelines. Here’s some fun activities you can do instead of watching your team get annihilated every week:
-Details magazine: Oh, you get all your clothes directly from the Salvation Army?
-Taboo: Here’s an example: The word is “Losing” but you can’t say “Indianapolis” “Colts” or “Tom Brady’s Hair”
-Rapping: There is a huge market for white rappers. Plus you could drop lines like “I hit the D like Manny Ramirez allegedly hits his wife”
-Big Brothers of America: Oh, right, I forgot that you already have a little brother who needs all the help he can get
Hit me up for more suggestions any time.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 118 – Dear The NBA
Dear The NBA,
After obtaining an in-depth understanding of your labor dispute from a 250 word article on Yahoo! Sports, I have a few suggestions to solve your crisis:
-No more guaranteed contracts. I’m not talking about the players, I’m talking about the terrible food at games. Nachos with real cheese, please.
-Better revenue sharing. Not with the players. With the fans. If the players suck on court or don’t give it 100%, we get a refund.
-Fixing the relationships between the players and cheerleaders. Currently they are not allowed. Now they will be the subject of a 24-hour reality network that generates $$$.
-More white guys. It’s hard for white kids to go to games and have to look up to the coaches and referees.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 117 – Dear The Groom Who Died In An ATV Accident On Your Wedding Night
Dear The Groom Who Died In An ATV Accident On Your Wedding Night,
Wow.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 116 – Dear PETA
Dear PETA,
I totally understand your arguments against fried chicken, but there is one important point you are not considering.
Its taste.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 115 – Dear Ron Artest
Dear Ron Artest,
Excuse me.
Dear Metta World Peace,
I was thinking about changing my name, too. What do you think about the options:
Billy Nuclear Nonproliferation
Metta Billy D Williams
Willie Homeless Shelter Volunteer
Metta Hate Salmonella
Your feedback is appreciated.
Thanks,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 114 – Dear Christian Rappers
Dear Christian Rappers,
Here’s another instant classic you can use in one of your songs:
“Mixin’ drinks like cement, burnin’ palms like Lent.”
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 113 – Dear Oil Spill Investigators
Dear Oil Spill Investigators,
In a recent report, BP was found to be responsible for 21 of the 35 factors relating to the Gulf oil spill. Here are some of the 14 they were not responsible for:
-Stupid birds landed on oily water, so it’s their fault they died
-Most of the fishermen in the Gulf are illegal Vietnamese immigrants
-Most people noticed no difference in the quality of the water
-Anytime your oil rig blows up and leaks into an ocean, it’s only 2/3 your fault
-The Chinese did it
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 112 – Dear University of Maryland
Dear University of Maryland Football Team,
Where can I buy one of your uniforms? My mom told me to go as a clown this Halloween.
Love,
Will
