Letters to the World – Day 136 – Dear Ivory Coast
Dear Ivory Coast,
Can you guys get your act together? Civil war, bloodshed, violence – all things raising the cost of my delicious chocolate bar here in West Hollywood.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 135 – Dear Prospective Law School Students
Dear Prospective Law School Students,
Apply now!! When you apply to law school you will receive all these fabulous gifts:
$100K!!!* *In debt
New friends!!!* *Who have no time for you
To see new places!!!* *Since your odds of finding a job near home are so low
Short work weeks!!!* *Compared to medical interns
Apply now and you’ll also get self-esteem!!!* *More of a reduction in self-esteem since despite all of the above, thousands of people are more qualified than you and will fill up your top-choice schools
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 134 – Dear Greece
Dear Greece,
I like the tough talk about “fighting back against debt” and “shoring up our economy,” but do you have to end every sentence with “…right after this nap.”?
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 133 – Dear The United Nations
Dear The United Nations,
Sometimes I feel like if I could get in there and do your job, the world would be a better place.
Like, with Israel and Palestine I would offer one of them the chance to have their own autonomous state in Argentina. Literally cut a chunk of Argentina (don’t worry, Argentina’s cheap) and stick Israel or Palestine inside. Tell me, would you be pissed about losing your homeland, or whatever nonsense, while you washed back a delicious grass-fed filet with a Malbec? I say nay.
For India and Pakistan, actually, this one is funny to everyone in America, because we can’t actually tell the difference between the two countries. All I know is that India is the country where Bin Laden was not, and Pakistan is the country where Bin Laden was. Now tell me, if nobody else knows the difference between you, why are you fighting?
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 132 – Dear Malcolm Gladwell
Dear Malcolm Gladwell,
For your next book, can you talk about how some kids won’t eat their vegetables regardless of economic incentives?
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 131 – Dear Sharks
Dear Sharks,
Every time you eat one of us we literally have to swim through human poop. Jerks.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 130 – Dear Whitey Bulger
Dear Whitey Bulger,
I still can’t believe that we lived only a few blocks from each other when I first graduated college. I never would have guessed that you were a most wanted mobster, because you look nothing like Jack Nicholson.
(That’s a compliment.)
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 129 – Dear Morgan Freeman
Dear Morgan Freeman,
The Tea Party is not “a racist thing.” Back in the time of the original Tea Party blacks were… nevermind, Madiba, bad example.
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 128 – Dear Vladimir Putin
Dear Vladimir Putin,
Why do I think of you as delicious? Is it the ubiquitous photo of you wearing no shirt, or because your name sounds like the delightful Canadian dish poutine?
Love,
Will
Letters to the World – Day 127 – Dear Nicolas Cage
Dear Nicolas Cage,
Let’s review the evidence:
-You look about the same as you did in 1987’s Moonstruck
-No one, and I mean no one, can understand how you are still acting
-Your hair sort of creeps me out
-And, oh, this photo taken in Tennessee in 1870
Verdict: Vampire
Love,
Will
