Dear Concertgoer,
Hope you had a blast with your shirt off this weekend.  For future reference, there are only two reasons to have your shirt off in the shade:

1. You have a sick body
2. It is oppressively hot

I guess there’s a third reason, but it’s really hard to just lose a shirt while you’re wearing it. Anyway… bad news. This was taken after 6 PM and the last time you went to a gym was back in junior college on some kind of weird dare.

I noticed you’re wearing a hat with the initials “JA.” I played on a football team back in college with the same name. We were Jesus’ Assassins. We called ourselves JA because it got old explaining that we did not assassinate Jesus, we assassinate for Jesus. Like, we’d kill Judas – who I think we can all agree was a douche. Also, we went to a Catholic university.

Assuming you and I did not play intramural football together at a Catholic university, let’s go ahead and get you a fresh shirt to contain those rippling delts.

Love,
The World