“Bear right at the gas station, go a quarter mile and hang a left at the cremator.”

Dear Old People,
Are you trying to figure out the deets of your impending funeral?  Not only should that be the job of your children (the better to prepare them for your departure), but it should be SIMPLE.

That’s why, right next door to the Valero station (but if you hit Lowe’s you’ve gone too far), is Smart Cremation.  Smart Cremation is like the fast food of the funeral world. Also, your death will probably be hastened by fast food.

Smart Cremation takes your stiff body and, using patented medical technology like fire, turns you into ashes. In less than two hours, one of your morbidly obese, fast-food lovin’ kids can swing by on their way to taking Bobby to soccer, grab your urn, and stick you in the back of the minivan while they scream at Bobby’s coach to give him more playing time.

Doesn’t that sound like the memorial you deserve? Now you can get back to doing whatever old people do – crocheting bonnets or complaining about the Liberals.

Love,
Will